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The other day Little and Oldest were playing a "game" together. The game consisted of running as fast as they could into the wall.
That was it.
They weren't crashing into
each other. They weren't fighting. Middle wasn't in the room so I didn't have to worry about my step-kids triggering each other. The floor was clean and free of obstruction. They were being safe... well, as safe as kids
can be when they are slamming themselves into the walls. They were having a great time, and walls can be fixed if damaged, and running into the wall isn't
too likely to result in major injury... If we owned our own free-standing home, I like to think I'd have allowed them to continue this game because this... interesting game is just
"Big Body Play," and I know that is important.
Unfortunately, we live in an apartment with adjoining neighbors and we try to be courteous, so I had to ask them to stop and tell them that slamming into the walls is against the rules. I left the room and they stopped... But after a few minutes, loud, dull THUDS began reverberating through the walls again.
I asked Husband to go in. I figured he would separate them, but he did something totally unexpected and pretty brilliant.
He stood in the doorway and waited for them to notice him. When they saw him standing there, they of course stopped their game. "What are you doing?" he asked.
"SORRY, MY FAULT!" Oldest said.
"I didn't ask you to apologize, I asked what you were doing."
"Breaking the rules," Little said, nonchalantly.
"Okay... But what were you
doing?"
The kids fell silent. So Husband asked them again until Little said, "We were running into the wall."
"Oh, yeah? Do it again. I heard you guys laughing, so it must be fun." At this point, Oldest started crying, Little started smiling. "Why are you crying?" Husband asked Oldest. "I just want to see what you are doing in here."
Little smiled and laughed while Oldest wailed. "Go on," Husband said to Little. "Show me."
Little charged the wall and bounced off it, giggling.
"Your turn, Oldest," Husband said. But Oldest refused to move.
"Why won't you do it?" Little asked Oldest. But Oldest wouldn't answer.
"It's because she feels
guilty for breaking the rules," Husband explained.
"Huh?" Little asked. "Guilty? What guilty means?"
"She knows running into the wall is against the rules. She knows that I feel upset when she breaks the rules. She doesn't want to upset me."
Oldest nodded.
End scene.
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So. How does the above example illustrate the differences in healthy and unhealthy attachment? How can I say that when there is an age difference of four years between Little and Oldest? Am I reading too much into this?
Well... No. I do realize that this is not a perfect example to show the differences between secure and insecure/disorganized attachment
because of the age difference... The development of empathy (the ability to consider how one's actions effect the well-being of others) and morality (the ability to choose the "right" thing even if it contradicts your own personal desires) is a long process that doesn't fully develop until the "tween" years.
The Evergreen Psychotherapy Center in Colorado describes the typical process like this:
Primary Process Thinking (ages 12-27 months)
"I want it, so I'll take it!"
Primitive Causative Thinking (ages 2-3 years)
"I want it but my parents will be upset with me... So I'll take it when they aren't looking!"
Causative Thinking (ages 3-5 years)
"I want it but my parents will find out... Is it worth the risk?"
Emerging Internal Control (6-7 years)
"I want it, but I won't take it because I don't want to upset my parents and then I'll feel bad."
Internal Control (8-11 years)
"I want it, but I would feel bad if I took it."
So, even if they were on track with their development of empathy and morality, my daughter would far more often choose the right thing to do for the right reasons. At five and six years old, respectively, Little and Middle
should be considering the fact that we
might find out about wrongdoings before they take action.
Unfortunately, they're not. Instead, they seem to vacillate between "primary process thinking" and "primitive causative thinking." I have been contacted by teachers more than a few times about Middle and Little trying to get away with something "wrong" even when they know it is wrong (primary process thinking). I warn the teachers that even if they say they are sorry, they are likely to just continue that behavior whenever their back is turned... And then I get another email in which the teacher expresses shock that the behavior is continuing on the sly.
Of course they're shocked... Most kids their age learn not to do "bad" things after getting caught and receiving consequences a few times, but since my kids are several years behind in this area they just don't have the cognitive skills to consider much outside of their own personal interests.
And they don't have these skills because such skills are dependent upon a strong, natural desire to please their parent-figure, which emerges as a natural and pleasant consequence when a secure attachment bond develops between parent and child.
Middle and Little don't have the type of desire to please we expect from young children because they did not develop a secure, healthy bond with Husband (army deployments disrupted their attachment process) or their biological mother (who, for whatever reason, wasn't able to provide them a safe environment while Husband was away).
And that is why parenting children who experienced early-childhood trauma can be so damn challenging... We see kids who are physically 5, 6, 10, whatever, but their development of empathy and morality is just
not on target. And it's
incredibly hard to get them on target, because the early foundation was never put down.
But we keep trying to get them there. And we will keep trying. Until we get there.
