Wow! I think it's time for a change!

I've had a TON of traffic lately.

Wow.

I'm humbled and happy that my writing is reaching so many people! The more people know about RAD and the effects of early-childhood trauma, the better.

With the new visitors, I've decided to start the process of moving my blog to WordPress. It just seems like they offer more professional options.

I'm hoping the new site can be more than a blog. I'm working on building an entire website (with my blog as the main feature, of course) and I'm hoping it can serve as a place of community for trauma parents or anyone else who lives with the effects of early-childhood trauma.

I'm even going to have my very own fancy schmancy domain name!

I'll continue to update here as I prepare my new website... Once my new site is ready, I will continue to update here as well as on the new site for a month or two, with an announcement that I'm moving to WordPress atop each post, and eventually I'll phase out my posts on Blogger.

Just giving you all a heads up now... I want to make sure anyone following our story has plenty of time to migrate to WordPress with me!

Okay, that's all for now. I hope to have a new blog post for you all soon!

This Isn't Real Life... This Isn't Fantasy: The strange world of therapeutic parenting

This post is also available at my new website Trauma Mama Drama.  If you enjoy reading my blog, remember to update your feeds, emails and bookmarks with the new link, because eventually I will only post updates on the new site's blog.

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In 2013, my husband won custody of his children (my stepson, "Little," age six; my stepdaughter, "Middle," age 7). Before they came to live with us, they endured a lot of early-childhood trauma and neglect, and they were soon diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

The most important part of their treatment plan involves therapeutic parenting. We use the SPACE model, which stands for "safety, supervision, structure, support... playful, accepting, curious, and empathetic." We do enforce consequences, but from an outsider's perspective I'm sure it looks like we don't because therapeutic consequences are extremely understated. They aren't rooted in fear, shame, or guilt, and most consequences aren't rewards-based. So, for example, if Little was throwing cars at the wall, I wouldn't take his cars away. Instead, I would grab softer, more appropriate things to throw at the wall and say, "My, it sure does feel good to throw things when we're mad, huh?" Later, he would patch the holes.

Some things require rewards-based consequences, and we try to be neutral when those come up. For example, if they have a horrible day full of meltdowns, they lose the right to stay up until bedtime and must go to bed early. To make it therapeutic, we avoid saying things like, "You're going to bed an hour early because your behavior is awful! Maybe you will remember this before you decide to throw a huge fit!" Rather, we try to say something like,  "Oh, it's time for bed now. You are so tired. I want to make sure you are have a good day tomorrow so you need a little extra rest!"

I don't like parenting this way. It's hard and tedious and exhausting, and I'm not very good at it. It's hard not to lose my cool when my kid uses a paper clip to rip holes in her school clothes for the umpteenth time. Most days, every fiber of my being screams, "Punish them for this bad behavior, because the real world certainly will!" Sometimes, I listen to those fibers and dole out a punitive consequence. But I try my best to stay therapeutic through even the most awful behaviors.

Recently, after explaining some misdeed Middle and my response to her behavior, someone remarked, "It just seems like you're not preparing them for the real world."

And it's true. Therapeutic parenting does not prepare our kids for the real world.

So... why do we parent this way when we know we aren't preparing them for the real world? I mean, isn't that the whole point of parenting?!

First, we have tried typical parenting methods and know they do not work. Sticker and reward charts are useless... Middle figures out how to manipulate them with an amazing competence, and Little does not seem to care whether or not he gets stickers or rewards. Giving them positive attention and compliments only encourages them to act out, and punishing them by yelling or taking away toys seems to have no impact (I once removed every single item from the kids' room and told them they had to earn their things back. This did not faze them... In fact, they enthusiastically helped me empty out their bedroom).

Second, we know why typical parenting methods don't work. The trauma and neglect they encountered before they came to live with us actually altered their brains and brain chemistry. Enforcing punitive consequences isn't going to rewire their brains because they aren't lacking in a knowledge of right and wrong... They lack a secure attachment and this prevents them from understanding and building healthy interpersonal relationships which are an essential part of being a functional human being. The only way to fix these issues is for us, as parents, to foster a healthy attachment bond with the children.

Building up a healthy attachment in my kids with a traumatic background is paramount in parenting them. They will not stop engaging in the negative behaviors associated with RAD until they develop empathy and feel safe in their environment, and the best way to help kids from traumatic backgrounds develop empathy is to use therapeutic, non-punitive techniques that show them they are loved and they are safe. These techniques, of course, do little to prepare kids for the harsh reality of the real world... But here's the thing. If we stick with it and do our best, if a healthy attachment builds and becomes secure, eventually the kids will be able to handle more typical parenting methods and we will be able to move on to methods that prepare them for life outside of our home.

And I'm confident that we will get there. We've already seen so many improvements in my step-children since we started parenting with SPACE, and they heal a little more with every passing day. In fact, Middle recently made me a rainbow-colored bracelet that reads, "I love you."

And I never take it off... Ever.

So, to everyone who gets confused by our parenting methods or worries that the kids will leave our home and buckle under the reality of life, I advise you to relax. We'll prepare them for the real world eventually, but right now, we're working on love instead.

Peppers and Mustard Sandwiches

This post is also available at my new website Trauma Mama Drama.  If you enjoy reading my blog, remember to update your feeds, emails and bookmarks with the new link, because eventually I will only post updates on the new site's blog.

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All young kids have trouble with big concepts like empathy and the true meaning of love. They're abstract concepts you learn in infancy and toddler-hood through reciprocal relationships with human beings (especially parents). When the relationships are good, when Mommy manages to treat Baby with kindness and empathy most of the time, kids develop an understanding that families and friends treat each other kindly. By the time they reach kindergarten, they start to think about how their actions impact the lives of others, but this skill isn't fully developed until much later... And even when the concepts of empathy and love reach their full development, occasionally even the most well-adjusted among us will act in purely selfish manner.

But what happens when early-childhood relationships are not good? What happens when Mommy treats Baby with disdain and disgust and doesn't meet Baby's needs, or the parents scream and fight with each other, or CPS comes in and removes Baby from the home?

When there is no secure attachment for Baby, Baby doesn't learn empathy and the meaning of love. Baby can develop a skewed meaning of what love and empathy mean, or not understand the concepts at all. And a lack of understanding the meaning of love along with an underdeveloped sense of empathy can lay the foundation for Baby developing attachment issues or even attachment disorders.

Love and empathy are not usually explicitly taught to children because they develop it naturally. There might be gentle corrections of children when they are acting unloving or acting without empathy (who hasn't had the "When you say you hate me it hurts my feelings" conversation with their children?), but by the time kids are in kindergarten most of them have at least a modicum of empathetic behavior... at least in the self-serving manner ("If I am nice to this person he will be nice to me" type thinking).

My step-children are five and seven years old, and they really have a skewed concept of what it means to love and have essentially no understanding of empathy. Now that we have custody of them, Husband and I have to teach them these things.

And it is so so so so so so so so so friggin' hard to teach an older kid empathy and love.

So we have to be creative.

It's been rough around here lately and I've lost it several times over the last two weeks. Yelling a lot. Hiding in my room. Sending the kids to their rooms, which is a HUGE therapeutic parenting no-no. But I have been so angry over so many things that I haven't been trusting myself to parent the kids in a normal way, let alone a therapeutic way.

Yesterday, I had a moment of calm, and decided to use a story I've titled "Peppers and Mustard Sandwhiches" to explain to them how I feel when they do the things they aren't supposed to do over and over and over and over and over and over and over and OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER again!


"You don't like mustard (said to Little) and you don't like peppers (said to Middle). Right?"
"Right."
"Okay. So imagine if you came out for lunch and I made Little a mustard sandwich and Middle a plate of peppers. What would you do?"
"I'd say, 'Eeeeeew! I don't LIKE that!'"
"Right. And I'd probably say, 'Oh... I'm sorry! I won't make you that for snack, then.' Would you believe me?"
"Yes."
"Okay, good! So what would happen if you came out for snack and I had a plate full of peppers and a mustard sandwich?"
::no answer::
"Would you be mad?"
"... A little."
"Right. And you'd say you didn't like it. So I would tell you that I was sorry and not make it again for dinner."
"Yeah, because we have to eat!"
"Right. But... When you came out for dinner, I had a plate of peppers and a mustard sandwich again!"
::Middle and Little groan::
"And the next day, I made you the same thing for breakfast. And lunch. And snack. And every time I would tell you that I was sorry and promise not to make them again. But... I make you the same thing for dinner."
"Why?!"
"I don't know... but what would you think?"
"I'd think that you don't love us anymore and you want us to starve!"
"Right. Do you think you would want to do anything fun with me, like play a board game?"
::silent pause:: "No... Because you hurt our feelings!"
"Yes." I took a deep breath. "I feel that way right now. I have to tell you to quit yelling, running in the house, fighting, putting holes in your clothes, trying to hurt the cat, interrupting, hurting yourself with your food... Every day, more than once a day. You know Dad and I don't like it when you do these things, but you do them. A lot. Every day.  And we feel like you have been feeding us mustard sandwiches and peppers."
"Oh."
"So, when you are doing something I don't like, I'm going to try to start saying, 'Peppers! Mustard sandwiches!' Those will be our secret words. Okay?"
::laughter:: "Okay!"


Today was better. Not great... Middle was trying to get Little in trouble and when I asked her what was going on she said, "Because I only want ME and OLDEST to have a good day and I want LITTLE to have a bad day!"  (ahem... WTF?!?!?!) But better. I forgot to use the secret words mostly, but remembered a few times and used them. It stopped the behavior for a moment or two, but wasn't effective for a long period of time.

Maybe tomorrow. Maybe... Maybe over time, this will be something that works, and that sticks with them when they're older. I'd much rather them remember me saying, "Peppers and mustard sandwiches!" than remember me yelling at them with a red, scrunched up face.

Maybe I can be silly with them after all.