I Have to Bite My Tongue When Someone Says, "But ALL Kids Do That!"

This post is also available at my new website Trauma Mama Drama.  If you enjoy reading my blog, remember to update your feeds, emails and bookmarks with the new link, because eventually I will only post updates on the new site's blog.

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If you have a child with trauma issues, I'm sure your well-meaning friends and family members have asked you at least a million times: "What's the big deal?  All kids do that!"

And they're not wrong... All kids do lie, talk a lot, play too rough, fight with their siblings, talk back... Right? Right! All kids have illogical reasoning and get angry when their parents don't understand. Right Louis C.K?

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING VIDEO CONTAINS SOME EXTREMELY STRONG LANGUAGE.  It is absolutely hilarious, though, so please listen if you can handle coarse words and sarcastic ranting about the behavior of children, 

Louis C.K. manages therapeutic parenting with his daughter who clearly woke up on the wrong side of the bed!  Go, Louis!

So, yes, all kids do things that make us mad, that scare us, that irritate us. Some kids engage in these insanity-inducing behaviors daily just because they are kids, and some kids engage in these behaviors because they're ornery or just aren't thinking because their brains are still babies. But kids with trauma behaviors don't engage in "normal negative behavior" because their trauma responses take "normal negative behaviors" into scary movie territory.

Securely attached,  non-traumatized child responds to his mother when she catches him drawing on the wall. 

Child with attachment issues responds to his mother when she catches him drawing on the wall.**

In the first video of Heather Forbes's online parenting course, she says something that I want you to memorize, repeat and utilize when people give you that look... You know the look. The one that says, "You are a total loon and your kids are fine!" Oh, I hate that look.

Anyway, Heather Forbes says something along the lines of:  My child's behaviors are not the concern, but rather the intensity, the frequency, and the duration of the behaviors.

Spot on, Heather.  You rock!

I'll use Little's tantrums to illustrate what I'm talking about here.

All young kids have tantrums, according to one study published in The Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry. Most preschoolers throw tantrums on occasion (about four times a week), and about 8.6% throw a tantrum daily. And most fits only last about five minutes, with longer meltdowns increasing with age tantrums of preschool-aged children usually last for about five minutes, and are shorter in duration in younger children, according to statistics on tantrums gathered by researchers Potegal and Davidson from the University of Wisconsin.

Now, I don't want to dismiss the feelings of parents whose children engage in "normal" fit-throwing behavior, because fits are annoying and exasperating. They test the limits of even the most saintly, with-it mother. I know that even "normal" tantrums can be absolutely horrible. But kids with traumatic pasts engage in completely different tantrum behavior. Unless they've healed through therapeutic interventions, traumatized children do not engage in "normal" fit-throwing behavior. Tantrums of traumatized children do not last for five minutes. They don't happen "a few times a week." They aren't merely expressions of frustration, anger, sadness, or exhaustion. They aren't very predictable and are not easy to avoid with small modifications in routine or expectations. They aren't easily managed by utilizing traditional techniques such as ignoring the behavior or putting the kids in time-out.

No. Trauma-tantrums are something else entirely. Little once had a meltdown that lasted for 5 days. I was about to take him to the hospital on the fifth day, but was advised to try a dose of Benadryl first which, thankfully, helped him snap out of it. That is, of course, and extreme example and thankfully has not happened since, but Little's meltdowns used to be constant and all-consuming. Before we started him at his behavioral therapy program, Little's meltdowns occurred daily and lasted for at least two hours, but more often lasted four hours. Every day.

And they were--and still are--violent. Husband and I have barricaded ourselves in the room with him, keeping him away from his sisters and the cat. He has gouged holes into the walls of his room by throwing things.  Countless toys have fallen victim to the wrath of Little, and I've been physically hurt by him on a small number of occasions.

The craziest thing about Little's fits, though, is that no matter what we do to avoid or calm his fits of absolutely terrifying anger and sadness and anxiety, nothing really works. Nothing. We've tried several methods of dealing with his meltdowns and have even gone so far as to commit the ultimate parenting faux pas and given him what we thought he wanted... But even acquiescing just intensified his rage!

If you are parenting a child with trauma-related behavior issues, you know the truth in what I'm about to say:

The behaviors that consume so much of our lives are NOT normal.

I want readers who support a friend or family member who parents a traumatized child to know that we trauma-mamas-and-papas understand that you have the best intentions in mind when you say things like, "Oh, that's normal," or, "Yeah, my kid does that, too!", or "When my kid does that, I do this and it works every time." However, those words, earnestly said in an attempt to assist a distressed loved one, are more likely to frustrate the very person you want to help.

That's not an attempt to discourage you from offering up tips to parents like me and Husband. Some traditional parenting advice does work well with our children and sometimes we are open to suggestions. However, if you have never raised a child with trauma issues and want to sympathize, empathize and advise a trauma parent, you must ask them the following question before you respond to them when they are distraught at the behaviors he or she sees in his or her children: "Do you want my advice, or do you just want me to listen?"

Because some days, when I call my mom or my friends ranting that Little threw a car seat at me while I was driving or that Middle manipulated a reward system I thought was working, I don't want advice, especially if I'm calling shortly after the upsetting event took place. I just want to talk about it, get it out, and hear, "Wow, that sucks!!!  What did you do?!"

Other days, usually after I've calmed down of course, I am completely open to the advice of others, because I know that my fellow parents know their stuff, whether or not they are raising neuro-typical children, physically disabled children, or children with mental issues.

So, bottom line: Kids with trauma issues may seem like perfectly normal kiddos with no issues. They may even be completely angelic in your presence if you don't interact with them frequently. You might question the sanity of parents who seem "hostile and/or angry" when they talk about or interact with their kids. However, please recognize the validity of their parents' concerns, because while the specific behavior may be "normal," the intensity, frequency, and duration of that behavior is not. Please keep this in mind if you want to help or advise a trauma parent.

**Note: this image is from We Need to Talk About Kevin.  I watched this movie long ago and read the book, enthralled with the story line.  It was probably the BEST "creepy kid" movie I've ever seen.  Middle and little aren't NEARLY as vicious as little Kevin there, but there are a few similarities.  I tell you this to warn you away from the film if you have a child diagnosed with an attachment disorder... because I know some of my fellow trauma parents have kids who DO engage in the behaviors the movie illustrates on screen, and also because it ends in the worst-case scenario for children with mental disorders/mental illness.  Husband wanted to watch it, I made him watch the trailer, and he noped out of that idea reeeeeealll quick.