The Trauma-Parent Initiation Process

This post is also available at my new website Trauma Mama Drama.  If you enjoy reading my blog, remember to update your feeds, emails and bookmarks with the new link, because eventually I will only post updates on the new site's blog.

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1) You notice your kids acting strange, but you can’t describe what you’re seeing.

I remember explaining the behavior of Middle and Little as "slightly off... somehow."

Photo: Reaction Gifs

When I tried to describe the "adult-like" behavior from Middle, the manipulative clingy-ness of little, and the complete and utter lack of remorse and empathy displayed by both of them, I kept thinking of Macaulay Culkin's performance in The Good Son. 

Who thinks about children like this?! I asked myself. I'm worse than Cinderella's step-mother!

2) Your go-to-parenting methods seem ludicrously ineffective...

Photo: Meme Generator for Android

Sticker charts, consequences, time-outs, taking away toys or privileges and even spanking don't work with traumatized kids. Emotions run too high, manipulation skills are too adept, and triggers are too near the surface for punishments to be effective. 

… So you create an incredibly long list of extremely detailed (and ridiculous) rules.

We enforce normal household rules like no running inside and no hitting... But we also have a long list of rules that sound super-controlling, like, "You must ask before sitting on the couch. No pretending you're animals. No saying, 'I just,' 'actually,' 'how about,' or 'really.'" 

Like I said... Ridiculous.

3) You turn to friends and family for help, but they don’t understand. They think you're too strict…

"Your kids have to ask to sit on the couch? They can't play animals? They can't say normal words?!"

Photo: BuzzFeed

… Or not strict enough.

Photo: Corpun.com

Husband was raised in the South with a chronically sore behind, so we get this one a lot. We have tried some "authoritarian punishments"... but they accomplished nothing and usually made things worse. This makes sense, if you think about it. Spanking, isolating, or otherwise harshly punishing a traumatized child doesn't work for the same reason pointing guns at combat veterans with PTSD doesn't work.

4) You isolate yourself from friends and family and over-impose on your kids’ teachers and therapists.

I rarely call my best friend or my mother, but in the last 365 days I've written 212 emails to our primary family therapist, 147 to Middle's kindergarten teacher, and at least 50 to the caseworkers at Little's day treatment facility. 

5) Everything falls apart.

Photo: Gifstumbler

I left graduate school shortly after we got custody of Middle and Little. My kids were engaging in creepy behavior and I couldn't care about William Godwin's relationship with Mary Wollstonecraft. The army honorably discharged Husband because the kids' needs conflicted with his military commitment. Then we enrolled my stepson in a day-therapy program that requires parental attendance, and neither of us could do anything to bring in income. Things have been really hard financially, and much more difficult socially, than we ever anticipated.

6) Then, one day, you get the right diagnosis and everything finally makes sense.

Panic Disorder. Complex-PTSD. Dissociative Identity Disorder. Reactive Attachment Disorder. When you finally get the right diagnosis, it's awesome and terrifying and you cry a little (or a lot).

7) You find others who “get it,” and you start putting the pieces of your life back in place.

Billy Kaplan (therapist) and Christine Moers (Parent) (see above) are my personal favorites. Husband is the biggest support for me, but I could not do this without their services and support.

8) You find a parenting method that works for your family, and things start to get better.

We like the SPACE method put forth by Billy Kaplan, which builds upon the Daniel Hughes's PACE method. It stands for "Safety, Stability and Support + Playful, Accepting, Curious and Empathic." There are a TON of methods for working with kids with trauma issues and eventually, you find a method that fits your groove.

9) You start to see the bright side of your kids’ trauma-behaviors… Maybe Little will be an actor with his uncanny ability to mask his emotions. Maybe Middle will be an attorney with her amazing debate skills. Or maybe they will be CEOs with their super-duper "strong wills."

… And cling to signs of progress with a death grip. On days I feel hopeless, I look back at journal entries, FB posts, and pictures from two years ago. We have made a ton of progress in all areas. Their behaviors are more "normal," and their physical appearance shows how we've helped them heal from the sad effects of neglect.

10) At times it will be hard to love your kids, but you keep trying... 

Rejecting a caring, attentive parent's love is the cornerstone symptom of attachment issues or disorders that can develop after early-childhood trauma, so we are more likely to experience "negative behavior" when the kids feel safe and happy.  This is extremely hard to deal with, and even harder to understand.

And sometimes, on really good days, if you're really lucky... 

... They let you love them.