The Fundamental Differences Between Them: empathy and morality in securely attached children vs unhealthily attached children

This post is also available at my new website Trauma Mama Drama.  If you enjoy reading my blog, remember to update your feeds, emails and bookmarks with the new link, because eventually I will only post updates on the new site's blog.

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The other day Little and Oldest were playing a "game" together. The game consisted of running as fast as they could into the wall.

That was it.

They weren't crashing into each other. They weren't fighting. Middle wasn't in the room so I didn't have to worry about my step-kids triggering each other. The floor was clean and free of obstruction. They were being safe... well, as safe as kids can be when they are slamming themselves into the walls. They were having a great time, and walls can be fixed if damaged, and running into the wall isn't too likely to result in major injury... If we owned our own free-standing home, I like to think I'd have allowed them to continue this game because this... interesting game is just "Big Body Play," and I know that is important.

Unfortunately, we live in an apartment with adjoining neighbors and we try to be courteous, so I had to ask them to stop and tell them that slamming into the walls is against the rules. I left the room and they stopped... But after a few minutes, loud, dull THUDS began reverberating through the walls again.

I asked Husband to go in. I figured he would separate them, but he did something totally unexpected and pretty brilliant.

He stood in the doorway and waited for them to notice him. When they saw him standing there, they of course stopped their game. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"SORRY, MY FAULT!" Oldest said.

"I didn't ask you to apologize, I asked what you were doing."

"Breaking the rules," Little said, nonchalantly.

"Okay... But what were you doing?"

The kids fell silent. So Husband asked them again until Little said, "We were running into the wall."

"Oh, yeah? Do it again. I heard you guys laughing, so it must be fun." At this point, Oldest started crying, Little started smiling. "Why are you crying?" Husband asked Oldest. "I just want to see what you are doing in here."

Little smiled and laughed while Oldest wailed. "Go on," Husband said to Little. "Show me."

Little charged the wall and bounced off it, giggling.

"Your turn, Oldest," Husband said. But Oldest refused to move.

"Why won't you do it?" Little asked Oldest. But Oldest wouldn't answer.

"It's because she feels guilty for breaking the rules," Husband explained.

"Huh?" Little asked. "Guilty? What guilty means?"

"She knows running into the wall is against the rules. She knows that I feel upset when she breaks the rules.  She doesn't want to upset me."

Oldest nodded.

End scene.

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So.  How does the above example illustrate the differences in healthy and unhealthy attachment? How can I say that when there is an age difference of four years between Little and Oldest? Am I reading too much into this?

Well... No. I do realize that this is not a perfect example to show the differences between secure and insecure/disorganized attachment because of the age difference... The development of empathy (the ability to consider how one's actions effect the well-being of others) and morality (the ability to choose the "right" thing even if it contradicts your own personal desires) is a long process that doesn't fully develop until the "tween" years. The Evergreen Psychotherapy Center in Colorado describes the typical process like this:

Primary Process Thinking (ages 12-27 months) 

"I want it, so I'll take it!"

Primitive Causative Thinking (ages 2-3 years)

"I want it but my parents will be upset with me... So I'll take it when they aren't looking!"

Causative Thinking (ages 3-5 years)

"I want it but my parents will find out... Is it worth the risk?"

Emerging Internal Control (6-7 years)

"I want it, but I won't take it because I don't want to upset my parents and then I'll feel bad."

Internal Control (8-11 years)

"I want it, but I would feel bad if I took it."

So, even if they were on track with their development of empathy and morality, my daughter would far more often choose the right thing to do for the right reasons. At five and six years old, respectively, Little and Middle should be considering the fact that we might find out about wrongdoings before they take action.

Unfortunately, they're not. Instead, they seem to vacillate between "primary process thinking" and "primitive causative thinking." I have been contacted by teachers more than a few times about Middle and Little trying to get away with something "wrong" even when they know it is wrong (primary process thinking). I warn the teachers that even if they say they are sorry, they are likely to just continue that behavior whenever their back is turned... And then I get another email in which the teacher expresses shock that the behavior is continuing on the sly.

Of course they're shocked... Most kids their age learn not to do "bad" things after getting caught and receiving consequences a few times, but since my kids are several years behind in this area they just don't have the cognitive skills to consider much outside of their own personal interests.

And they don't have these skills because such skills are dependent upon a strong, natural desire to please their parent-figure, which emerges as a natural and pleasant consequence when a secure attachment bond develops between parent and child.

Middle and Little don't have the type of desire to please we expect from young children because they did not develop a secure, healthy bond with Husband (army deployments disrupted their attachment process) or their biological mother (who, for whatever reason, wasn't able to provide them a safe environment while Husband was away).

And that is why parenting children who experienced early-childhood trauma can be so damn challenging... We see kids who are physically 5, 6, 10, whatever, but their development of empathy and morality is just not on target. And it's incredibly hard to get them on target, because the early foundation was never put down.

But we keep trying to get them there. And we will keep trying. Until we get there.

Photo: Big Hearted Families

I Have to Bite My Tongue When Someone Says, "But ALL Kids Do That!"

This post is also available at my new website Trauma Mama Drama.  If you enjoy reading my blog, remember to update your feeds, emails and bookmarks with the new link, because eventually I will only post updates on the new site's blog.

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If you have a child with trauma issues, I'm sure your well-meaning friends and family members have asked you at least a million times: "What's the big deal?  All kids do that!"

And they're not wrong... All kids do lie, talk a lot, play too rough, fight with their siblings, talk back... Right? Right! All kids have illogical reasoning and get angry when their parents don't understand. Right Louis C.K?

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING VIDEO CONTAINS SOME EXTREMELY STRONG LANGUAGE.  It is absolutely hilarious, though, so please listen if you can handle coarse words and sarcastic ranting about the behavior of children, 

Louis C.K. manages therapeutic parenting with his daughter who clearly woke up on the wrong side of the bed!  Go, Louis!

So, yes, all kids do things that make us mad, that scare us, that irritate us. Some kids engage in these insanity-inducing behaviors daily just because they are kids, and some kids engage in these behaviors because they're ornery or just aren't thinking because their brains are still babies. But kids with trauma behaviors don't engage in "normal negative behavior" because their trauma responses take "normal negative behaviors" into scary movie territory.

Securely attached,  non-traumatized child responds to his mother when she catches him drawing on the wall. 

Child with attachment issues responds to his mother when she catches him drawing on the wall.**

In the first video of Heather Forbes's online parenting course, she says something that I want you to memorize, repeat and utilize when people give you that look... You know the look. The one that says, "You are a total loon and your kids are fine!" Oh, I hate that look.

Anyway, Heather Forbes says something along the lines of:  My child's behaviors are not the concern, but rather the intensity, the frequency, and the duration of the behaviors.

Spot on, Heather.  You rock!

I'll use Little's tantrums to illustrate what I'm talking about here.

All young kids have tantrums, according to one study published in The Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry. Most preschoolers throw tantrums on occasion (about four times a week), and about 8.6% throw a tantrum daily. And most fits only last about five minutes, with longer meltdowns increasing with age tantrums of preschool-aged children usually last for about five minutes, and are shorter in duration in younger children, according to statistics on tantrums gathered by researchers Potegal and Davidson from the University of Wisconsin.

Now, I don't want to dismiss the feelings of parents whose children engage in "normal" fit-throwing behavior, because fits are annoying and exasperating. They test the limits of even the most saintly, with-it mother. I know that even "normal" tantrums can be absolutely horrible. But kids with traumatic pasts engage in completely different tantrum behavior. Unless they've healed through therapeutic interventions, traumatized children do not engage in "normal" fit-throwing behavior. Tantrums of traumatized children do not last for five minutes. They don't happen "a few times a week." They aren't merely expressions of frustration, anger, sadness, or exhaustion. They aren't very predictable and are not easy to avoid with small modifications in routine or expectations. They aren't easily managed by utilizing traditional techniques such as ignoring the behavior or putting the kids in time-out.

No. Trauma-tantrums are something else entirely. Little once had a meltdown that lasted for 5 days. I was about to take him to the hospital on the fifth day, but was advised to try a dose of Benadryl first which, thankfully, helped him snap out of it. That is, of course, and extreme example and thankfully has not happened since, but Little's meltdowns used to be constant and all-consuming. Before we started him at his behavioral therapy program, Little's meltdowns occurred daily and lasted for at least two hours, but more often lasted four hours. Every day.

And they were--and still are--violent. Husband and I have barricaded ourselves in the room with him, keeping him away from his sisters and the cat. He has gouged holes into the walls of his room by throwing things.  Countless toys have fallen victim to the wrath of Little, and I've been physically hurt by him on a small number of occasions.

The craziest thing about Little's fits, though, is that no matter what we do to avoid or calm his fits of absolutely terrifying anger and sadness and anxiety, nothing really works. Nothing. We've tried several methods of dealing with his meltdowns and have even gone so far as to commit the ultimate parenting faux pas and given him what we thought he wanted... But even acquiescing just intensified his rage!

If you are parenting a child with trauma-related behavior issues, you know the truth in what I'm about to say:

The behaviors that consume so much of our lives are NOT normal.

I want readers who support a friend or family member who parents a traumatized child to know that we trauma-mamas-and-papas understand that you have the best intentions in mind when you say things like, "Oh, that's normal," or, "Yeah, my kid does that, too!", or "When my kid does that, I do this and it works every time." However, those words, earnestly said in an attempt to assist a distressed loved one, are more likely to frustrate the very person you want to help.

That's not an attempt to discourage you from offering up tips to parents like me and Husband. Some traditional parenting advice does work well with our children and sometimes we are open to suggestions. However, if you have never raised a child with trauma issues and want to sympathize, empathize and advise a trauma parent, you must ask them the following question before you respond to them when they are distraught at the behaviors he or she sees in his or her children: "Do you want my advice, or do you just want me to listen?"

Because some days, when I call my mom or my friends ranting that Little threw a car seat at me while I was driving or that Middle manipulated a reward system I thought was working, I don't want advice, especially if I'm calling shortly after the upsetting event took place. I just want to talk about it, get it out, and hear, "Wow, that sucks!!!  What did you do?!"

Other days, usually after I've calmed down of course, I am completely open to the advice of others, because I know that my fellow parents know their stuff, whether or not they are raising neuro-typical children, physically disabled children, or children with mental issues.

So, bottom line: Kids with trauma issues may seem like perfectly normal kiddos with no issues. They may even be completely angelic in your presence if you don't interact with them frequently. You might question the sanity of parents who seem "hostile and/or angry" when they talk about or interact with their kids. However, please recognize the validity of their parents' concerns, because while the specific behavior may be "normal," the intensity, frequency, and duration of that behavior is not. Please keep this in mind if you want to help or advise a trauma parent.

**Note: this image is from We Need to Talk About Kevin.  I watched this movie long ago and read the book, enthralled with the story line.  It was probably the BEST "creepy kid" movie I've ever seen.  Middle and little aren't NEARLY as vicious as little Kevin there, but there are a few similarities.  I tell you this to warn you away from the film if you have a child diagnosed with an attachment disorder... because I know some of my fellow trauma parents have kids who DO engage in the behaviors the movie illustrates on screen, and also because it ends in the worst-case scenario for children with mental disorders/mental illness.  Husband wanted to watch it, I made him watch the trailer, and he noped out of that idea reeeeeealll quick.

Maddie Ziegler's Performances in Sia's Music Videos (part one): What does RAD feel like?

This post is also available at my new website Trauma Mama Drama.  If you enjoy reading my blog, remember to update your feeds, emails and bookmarks with the new link, because eventually I will only post updates on the new site's blog.

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My step-kids had their first supervised visit with their mother last summer. Their visit would last three weeks and would be supervised by one of Biological Mother's friends. This was a condition of Husband's divorce settlement. We didn't trust the situation much because we didn't know the friend, but she supervised visits through CPS contracts. She sent us extensive documentation proving that she worked for the state as a supervisor, we verified it, and Husband reluctantly agreed to including her on the "approved supervisor list" filed with the court to avoid going to trial with Biological Mom again. We didn't trust that she would actually supervise Biological Mother the way she was supposed to, but we believed that she would at least keep them safe (and we were absolutely right... She didn't really supervise them at all, but they came back relatively okay).

Against our insistence that she not tell the kids about their visit too far in advance, Biological Mother spilled the beans during one of their phone calls about two weeks before they were scheduled to leave.

Pardon the language, but seriously... What the f@#%!?

Middle and Little hadn't seen Biological Mom in ten months, so they were incredibly excited and happy to go on their trip. They couldn't wait to see their mom. While they said they were a little nervous, they were mostly just thrilled.

Now. If you know anything about RAD, you know all about the following equation:

Excited + Happy+ Nervous + Impatient = EPIC NUCLEAR MELTDOWNS FOR DAYS

Things got nuts as soon as they found out they'd be seeing their mom. They reacted against me, constantly. This was when Little's behavior started turning violent against me and I had to restrain him for the first time. This was when Middle did things every time she looked at me to get a reaction out of me. This was when Middle screamed at me to get away from her during one of her fits, and when I tried to comply by leaving the room she charged me, jumped on me so that I bent over, grabbed hold of my hair and screamed, "DON'T LEAVE ME!!!!"

This was when I really reacting against their reactions. For example,  Little and Middle would NOT stop jumping off the 3.5-foot-tall toy box in their room, usually on top of each other in some sort of dominance game I just don't understand.

"THE BOX"

During this lead-up to their visit, Middle ended up kicking Little pretty hard in the face during one of her jumps. I sat them down and informed them that if they were caught jumping off of the toy box again, I would be taking it to the dumpster and that most of the toys inside would go, too, because we wouldn't have anywhere to store them.

The next day was rough. The kids were all over the place, acting completely bonkers, and I lost my patience around noon. Around 4:00 in the afternoon, I walked past their room and caught Little in mid-free-fall. His intended target? Middle's back. So, I started yelling. And I mean yelling. Essentially screaming. I grabbed the humongous toy box that weighed about 35 lbs and started dragging it out of their room. The kids grabbed onto it and yelled, "No!" and asked to get some of their toys out, but I refused and yanked the box from their hands. When I got to the front door and started hauling it out, Husband grabbed on to the other side.  "Hey," he said, "we don't know what's in there... maybe we should look and--"

"I DON'T CARE WHAT IS IN HERE! IT IS TRASH NOW!"

After I got it to the dumpster, Husband wanted to bring back some of the now discarded toys. "NO!" I shouted.  "THEY DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT THE STUPID TOYS!  THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING! THEY NEED TO LEARN TO CARE! MAYBE LOSING EVERYTHING WILL MAKE THEM CARE, BUT I SERIOUSLY DOUBT IT!!!!!"

Husband dropped the subject. I left the house and went on a long, calming drive.

Around midnight that night, I started feeling guilty and decided to bring back in some of the special toys that were in the toy box. I went out to retrieve them, but, unfortunately, someone had spotted what must have seemed like a toy jackpot and took advantage. The toy box, and the toys, were gone.

Middle will never get back the bear the judge gave to her the day she came to live with us. They will never get back the special Snuggy blankets their grandma gave to them. It was a truly nasty thing I did, and I can never undo it. Husband and the kids have forgiven me, but I haven't forgiven myself because one of the theories on attachment disorder states that kids who have endured repeated trauma will destroy/disregard/give away their personal belongings as a way to protect themselves from loss. They've lost things and people they love, and if they act like they don't care about their things or give them away, no one is going to take that item as a way to hurt them.  When they do these inexplicable things to their stuff, they are choosing to lose that item. And I knew that when I threw out their toys. But I was so angry that I didn't care.

Anyway. That's how things were going. When Middle and Little left for their trip, I was actually happy that they were going. My thought process was something like, "I need the break. Sure, it sucks that they are going somewhere that might undo all the progress we've made. It's horrible that they might be exposed to more of the stuff that disrupted their minds in the first place. True. But I don't really care right now."

About an hour after they left, I read an article that claimed the music video for Sia's "Chandelier" to be the best of the year.  So I watched it.

I started crying here...

And had to pause the video here because I could no longer see the screen through my tears...

And I lost it all over again at the end.

The whole time I watched this video, all I could think was,  I've seen this before. The facial expressions, the movements, the intensity... I've seen all of this in Middle. This must be what she feels like all the time.

   

This face seemed eerily familiar to me.

And even though the song is about Sia's battle with alcoholism and the party scene, the song lyrics couldn't be more relevant:

Party girls don't get hurt
Can't feel anything, when will I learn
I push it down, push it down...
I'm gonna' swing from the chandelier
I'm gonna' live like tomorrow doesn't exist, like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna' fly like a bird through the night
Feel my tears as they dry...
But I'm holding on for dear life
Won't look down, won't open my eyes...
Cuz' I'm just holding on for tonight
Help me, I'm holding on for dear life

I spent the next two hours sobbing on the couch, alone in my almost-empty apartment (Oldest was sleeping), angry with myself, regretting immensely the way I handled Middle and Little's behavior the days prior to their departure.  Was I actually relieved when they left here a few hours ago?  How on earth was I okay with them going on this visit?! And me... on what planet is my own behavior with them considered okay?!  They are children... hurt children.  And over the last few weeks I've been treating them like unwelcome guests in my home just because they were trying to hurt me in response to their pain. They are children and I am an adult! How could I do that?

This video restored my empathy immediately. I still watch it frequently when I feel overwhelmed with the immensity of my kids' behaviors and emotions. It helps me remember that they have a mental disorder. They're not doing the crazy stuff on purpose... Well, maybe they are doing it "on purpose," but they are not doing it with a sense of control.

Check out the full video below.  Every time I watch it, I'm reminded that my Middle and Little have so much going on in their little minds. Can you imagine going through life feeling like this? Try to put yourself in the shoes of a child whose brain operates at this frequency all the time as a protective mechanism, as a reaction to the life lessons his early-childhood experiences taught him.  I guarantee you will feel more empathetic, which will help you parent your kids in the way that they need.