The Candy Cane Lesson

(There is a smidgen of "adult language" in this blog... Just a heads up!)

Today I tell you, dear readers, a little story I've dubbed "The Candy Cane Lesson." This is not a recap of the cute but questionable "origin of the candy cane" story that I got to hear for the very first time last year (Husband was shocked that I'd never heard that story, btw... We were raised so differently!).

No. This is a story of Reactive Attachment Disorder's associated behaviors, and how those behaviors differ from kids who do not have such a disorder. Come, children, gather 'round while I regale you with a rousing tale of deceit, conflict, and love...

Last week was the last week of school before Christmas, which means it was a week full of trauma behaviors. Last Wednesday, Middle hopped in the car after school, and within a few seconds she popped something in her mouth.

"What you put in your mouth?!" Little demanded.

Middle didn't answer.

"WHAT IN YOUR MOUTH?!"

"A candy cane."

Husband, who thankfully does the picking up of the children, asked her to spit out the candy cane because we have a rule that they can't just eat in the car willy-nilly (this is because of Oldest's tendency to choke when she eats... I insist on being aware when children have food in their mouths in our vehicle!). He was telling this story to me while the kids changed and I went through backpacks. I found another candy cane in Middle's backpack and put it away.

When Middle emerged from her room, she started digging through her backpack.  "WHERE MY CANDY CANE IS?!" she demanded (and this was my first clue that something fishy was going on... Her grammar gets ridiculous when she is triggered).

"I put it up." Middle went to grab it. "NO," I said. "You need to wait until snack time. Right now it's time to do homework if you are up for it."

We started her homework, and she was making little mistakes... LOTS of little mistakes... Mistakes on things she "mastered" a year ago. Mistakes on things like writing the letter "e." She was "playing the game"... she was screwing up on things she knows, and repeating those mistakes even after I intervened. When Middle plays this game, that means something is triggering her.

"Hmmm..." I said. "Looks like something is bothering you. Maybe homework is not such a good idea today. What's going on?"

"I just want my candy cane."

"You'll have to wait."

"But can't I have it now????"

My RAD-parent brain kicked in right about here. I'll bet she stole those damn candy canes. 

Now, I knew I could not say that out loud to just anyone, because I knew how crazy it sounded. If your kids never experienced early-childhood trauma and don't have "RAD behavior," or if they DID experience trauma but you somehow avoided the insanity-inducing behavior that can stem from such trauma, I know I often look like a paranoid, over-involved, overly suspicious mother who should probably be evaluated by DSS. And I am thankful that most people don't understand me, because that means that most kids do not carry the deep scars of early-childhood trauma with them for years or decades or forever after they are removed from the traumatic environment.

But, if you are raising a child with trauma issues, you get it.

You get it.

And I'm sorry.

But anyway. There we were, Middle pleading for her candy cane, me getting more and more suspicious of these candy canes.

"Gee... Where did you get that candy cane anyway?"

No response. I asked again. "My friend gave it to me."

"Who?"

"My friend."

"Which friend?"

"I don't know."

"Did you get them in class?"

"Yes!"

Dad jumped in here with, "I thought you got them from the library?"

"No..." Middle said.

"I'll just message your teacher to find out about the candy canes."

Middle went back to her room, with the instructions to lay down and read. I messaged the teacher, the teacher told me she had no idea where the candy canes came from but that she would check with the librarian (who told the teacher she had not given out candy canes to any students).

I checked on Middle, and she was NOT doing what I asked. "So, what's going on in here?" I asked.

"I JUST WANT MY CANDY CANE!!!"

"Your teacher says she doesn't know where those candy canes came from. And, since they seem to be causing you a problem, I think we will have to wait on that candy cane until we get to the bottom of that."

Now, right here I want you to think back to when you were younger and tried to take something you shouldn't have. Didn't you try to keep your procuring of the forbidden item on the "down low"? Did you keep it somewhere your parent wouldn't stumble across it? Or use/dispose of said item before your parents could even lay their eyes on it? THAT is what typical limits testing or even just plain childhood greed looks like... Take the stuff and enjoy it before I get caught.  But with my kids, it seems to be different. They take things... And then make sure I notice they have taken something they weren't supposed to take. I've actually told Middle that she couldn't take a certain toy to school, and then on the way she started playing with it and holding it up in the rear view mirror, or dropped it and then said, "Hey, Mom, I dropped that thing you just said I couldn't bring with us. Can you get it off the floor for me?"

Anyway, after a couple hours of asking for the candy cane every time she opened her mouth, she eventually told us that a friend of hers took the candy canes for her when she asked him to. Even if that is not entirely accurate, she wasn't supposed to have the candy canes, and she knew it, so she got them through illicit means.

Of course, I knew this within minutes of her arrival home, and I told her as much.

"How did you know?"

"Because you are a good person. And when good people do things that are wrong, they feel guilty. And if you are feeling guilty, your behavior tells everyone that something is bothering you.  I'm upset with taking the candy cane, I'm angry that you lied, and I'm sad that you've spent two hours throwing a fit about this candy cane when we could have been having fun."

Silence.

"So, I think we need to throw away this candy cane because it's making you feel so badly. What do you think?"

Now, what would you expect here? I know I certainly expected another meltdown. Even well-adjusted kids with no trauma history will have a meltdown if their parent throws away candy, right?!

And therein lies the danger of expectations.

"Yeah, that's a good idea," she said.

Then we hugged it out and moved on with the day.

And so goes another day full of trauma drama.

And man. I'm so tired of it.

But, hopefully, she will remember... That I know she is a good person.

She's not fooling me with her obnoxious behavior. And, I hope I never fall for her trick. Because she needs me to see through all the bullshit she throws at anything and anyone in her path, to see past the lying and arguing (OH GOD THE ARGUING) and destructive behavior and strange things she does, to dig through the rubble and find the little girl who just wants to be loved but doesn't know how to accept it.

So I'll keep trying.

Every single day.

The Fundamental Differences Between Them: empathy and morality in securely attached children vs unhealthily attached children

This post is also available at my new website Trauma Mama Drama.  If you enjoy reading my blog, remember to update your feeds, emails and bookmarks with the new link, because eventually I will only post updates on the new site's blog.

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The other day Little and Oldest were playing a "game" together. The game consisted of running as fast as they could into the wall.

That was it.

They weren't crashing into each other. They weren't fighting. Middle wasn't in the room so I didn't have to worry about my step-kids triggering each other. The floor was clean and free of obstruction. They were being safe... well, as safe as kids can be when they are slamming themselves into the walls. They were having a great time, and walls can be fixed if damaged, and running into the wall isn't too likely to result in major injury... If we owned our own free-standing home, I like to think I'd have allowed them to continue this game because this... interesting game is just "Big Body Play," and I know that is important.

Unfortunately, we live in an apartment with adjoining neighbors and we try to be courteous, so I had to ask them to stop and tell them that slamming into the walls is against the rules. I left the room and they stopped... But after a few minutes, loud, dull THUDS began reverberating through the walls again.

I asked Husband to go in. I figured he would separate them, but he did something totally unexpected and pretty brilliant.

He stood in the doorway and waited for them to notice him. When they saw him standing there, they of course stopped their game. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"SORRY, MY FAULT!" Oldest said.

"I didn't ask you to apologize, I asked what you were doing."

"Breaking the rules," Little said, nonchalantly.

"Okay... But what were you doing?"

The kids fell silent. So Husband asked them again until Little said, "We were running into the wall."

"Oh, yeah? Do it again. I heard you guys laughing, so it must be fun." At this point, Oldest started crying, Little started smiling. "Why are you crying?" Husband asked Oldest. "I just want to see what you are doing in here."

Little smiled and laughed while Oldest wailed. "Go on," Husband said to Little. "Show me."

Little charged the wall and bounced off it, giggling.

"Your turn, Oldest," Husband said. But Oldest refused to move.

"Why won't you do it?" Little asked Oldest. But Oldest wouldn't answer.

"It's because she feels guilty for breaking the rules," Husband explained.

"Huh?" Little asked. "Guilty? What guilty means?"

"She knows running into the wall is against the rules. She knows that I feel upset when she breaks the rules.  She doesn't want to upset me."

Oldest nodded.

End scene.

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So.  How does the above example illustrate the differences in healthy and unhealthy attachment? How can I say that when there is an age difference of four years between Little and Oldest? Am I reading too much into this?

Well... No. I do realize that this is not a perfect example to show the differences between secure and insecure/disorganized attachment because of the age difference... The development of empathy (the ability to consider how one's actions effect the well-being of others) and morality (the ability to choose the "right" thing even if it contradicts your own personal desires) is a long process that doesn't fully develop until the "tween" years. The Evergreen Psychotherapy Center in Colorado describes the typical process like this:

Primary Process Thinking (ages 12-27 months) 

"I want it, so I'll take it!"

Primitive Causative Thinking (ages 2-3 years)

"I want it but my parents will be upset with me... So I'll take it when they aren't looking!"

Causative Thinking (ages 3-5 years)

"I want it but my parents will find out... Is it worth the risk?"

Emerging Internal Control (6-7 years)

"I want it, but I won't take it because I don't want to upset my parents and then I'll feel bad."

Internal Control (8-11 years)

"I want it, but I would feel bad if I took it."

So, even if they were on track with their development of empathy and morality, my daughter would far more often choose the right thing to do for the right reasons. At five and six years old, respectively, Little and Middle should be considering the fact that we might find out about wrongdoings before they take action.

Unfortunately, they're not. Instead, they seem to vacillate between "primary process thinking" and "primitive causative thinking." I have been contacted by teachers more than a few times about Middle and Little trying to get away with something "wrong" even when they know it is wrong (primary process thinking). I warn the teachers that even if they say they are sorry, they are likely to just continue that behavior whenever their back is turned... And then I get another email in which the teacher expresses shock that the behavior is continuing on the sly.

Of course they're shocked... Most kids their age learn not to do "bad" things after getting caught and receiving consequences a few times, but since my kids are several years behind in this area they just don't have the cognitive skills to consider much outside of their own personal interests.

And they don't have these skills because such skills are dependent upon a strong, natural desire to please their parent-figure, which emerges as a natural and pleasant consequence when a secure attachment bond develops between parent and child.

Middle and Little don't have the type of desire to please we expect from young children because they did not develop a secure, healthy bond with Husband (army deployments disrupted their attachment process) or their biological mother (who, for whatever reason, wasn't able to provide them a safe environment while Husband was away).

And that is why parenting children who experienced early-childhood trauma can be so damn challenging... We see kids who are physically 5, 6, 10, whatever, but their development of empathy and morality is just not on target. And it's incredibly hard to get them on target, because the early foundation was never put down.

But we keep trying to get them there. And we will keep trying. Until we get there.

Photo: Big Hearted Families