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One of the behaviors associated with Reactive Attachment Disorder is "gorges or hoards food." But there are a myriad of food issues you should prepare for if you plan on eating or feeding a child with RAD, or a child who experienced food deprivation, or whose previous caregivers used food in a punitive manner.
My step-kids didn't really have a reliable source of food. Sometimes there was plenty, sometimes food was scarce. Sometimes it was healthy food, sometimes it was Ramen noodles all week. My step-kids didn't wake up every day and know someone would make breakfast for them... Sometimes they had to get it themselves, and sometimes they made terrible choices in what they decided to eat (like rotten juice or expired turkey or a can of raw biscuit dough).
By the time they were three and four, Little and Middle had developed food issues. Biological Mom frequently called Husband complaining about their strange eating habits. "Middle has an eating disorder," she said during one conversation. "She weighs 50 lbs and has cellulite and rolls because she constantly eats, eats, eats, eats." She'd found her eating an entire tub of ice cream and a pound of cheese in the middle of the night, and found her eating an entire package of bologna "right after she'd eaten an entire bowl of Ramen." Middle was only four years old when this conversation took place.
They also ate everything they crossed paths with that was edible, or that they thought was edible. Like juice boxes that had fallen behind the couch and had been there for months or pieces of cereal that had been swept up along with all the dirt and debris on the floor into a pile.
They also hid food... And they hid it well. Four months after we got custody of them, their biological mom told us that she'd found their stash of Cheerios "all over the house." Middle's eyes lit up and she regaled us with a tale of "The Day She Hid the Cheerios." She and Little had been hungry but for whatever reason were not able to get food from their mom, so she got a ladder (most likely a step-stool, but she used the word ladder), climbed on top of the cabinet and had Little climb up with her. Then she crawled up on top of the refrigerator to get the Cheerios. Then, they got little Ziploc bags, filled them with Cheerios, and hid them around the house so they'd always have food.
THIS IS, OF COURSE, HEARTBREAKING. But this conversation really gave us an insight into their food issues and why they have them.
When the kids came to live with us, we noticed that they had some odd behaviors surrounding food. They were constantlyasking for demanding food and drink. Angrily. Sometimes even shouting at me, "GIVE ME JUICE!" "I WANT A COOKIE!" Never a request, never a please, never a thank you. They were almost always trying to take food from the fridge and pantry, even when they couldn't possibly have been hungry. They shoveled food in their mouths like they would never get another bite to eat. When they left the room during dinner to go to the bathroom or whatever reason they felt it necessary to leave, they would ferociously shout, "DON'T TOUCH MY FOOD!" Once, Little left his lunch plate and came back and thought Middle had touched his food. So he hit her and started screaming.
Husband and I recognized this was abnormal behavior, and guessed that it had to do with their history of neglect their terrible eating habits. We tried not to get angry with them about these food issues, but were getting frustrated with them. I can't even count the number of times we said to them, "We have food! You will never be hungry in our house! We will take care of you, we promise!"
I realized quickly we had to come up with a solution and started to work. First, I implemented a system my mom had come up with for Oldest when she was young and always in and out of the fridge (this is a great system for kids who haven't had food-related trauma, btw! I highly recommend utilizing this with kids who can handle it). I made each of them a snack basket for the fridge (the baskets were color-coded and tagged with their names). The snack baskets had mostly healthy snacks and drinks, and a couple "goody" treats tossed in as well. I told them they could eat anything in their basket at any time, and recommended that they space the snacks out throughout the day. I figured after a couple times of eating the snacks too quickly, they would naturally start spreading the snacks out with some gentle guidance.
Oh, how wrong I was.
Little refused to eat anything in his own basket and would demolish the baskets of the girls. Sometimes he would just throw their stuff out of the basket without eating any of it. Middle gorged on hers immediately after breakfast, and became distraught when she found an empty basket the rest of the day. She would demand I fill them back up, and if I refused would have a total meltdown, or would wait until I was in the bathroom and start taking food from our pantry for a refill (I figured this out when I found a bag of brown sugar shoved into her basket). So, the baskets were out (sorry, Oldest!).
My second solution turned out to be the key, and it draws on the nurturing principle paramount in therapeutic parenting. It was a very simple solution, too, and that solution was... They Ask, They receive.
So. If they asked or even demanded something from me, they got it. No matter what. No matter if we had just eaten or if we were just about to eat. No matter if they asked at midnight. None of that mattered. They asked, they received.
They didn't even have to say please and thank you (at first), something that grated my nerves, and really grated on Husband's nerves because we are in the South where everyone takes manners very seriously, apparently. But manners didn't matter anymore. They asked (without a please), they received (and I didn't expect a thank you).
If I found Little sneaking into the refrigerator or pantry for some food, I would close the fridge and ask him what he wanted. “JUICE!” he would shout. Maybe with a foot stomp for added oomph. And he'd get it. He asked (er... demanded), he received (sometimes begrudgingly... a three year old shouting, "JUICE!!!" several times a day got a little annoying).
If it was something they could not have (something they wanted but did not need), I would offer an alternative. They used to ask for soda several times a day, and we only let them have it on Fridays and special occasions. If they couldn't have soda, I would offer water or milk or another healthy alternative.
Of course, they then screamed that they hated water and sometimes they would refuse to drink it. Little and Middle both got angry at water and dumped their cups on the floor at one point.
And when the backlash happened, I would say, “Then you must not be thirsty and you must not need a drink! But if you do need a drink, I'll be glad to get you some water.”
This went on for about a month. It. Was. Exhausting. Especially because Husband was still in the army at the time. I was alone with three special needs children for twelve to sixteen hours each day and two of them were running me ragged with food and drinkrequests demands every ten minutes (literally).
And it seemed ridiculous. I felt like I was being too accommodating a lot of the time. But I wanted them to know that they didn't have to take care of themselves by scavenging food from our kitchen. I wanted them to understand that if they needed something, I would get it for them. I wanted them to feel cared for.
And, eventually, they did! They stopped yelling at me to get them their food. They learned they couldn't have soda and quit asking for it (I can't even remember the last time one of the kids asked me for soda!). They even started saying please! And thank you!!
Eventually, we got to a place where I could say, "Hang on," or, "After I finish this thing I will get that for you," and they wouldn't freak out or regress.
Presently, I can flat out say, "No, it's not time for that," and get an, "Okay, Mom!" in response!
We still have a lot of food issues (and if you've figured out how to fix these things, please comment below so I can learn from you!). Middle is constantly (and I wish I was exaggerating) shoving food underneath her gum-line, chomping down on metal utensils, and trying to break her teeth with her food. She picks at her food obsessively... I'd never seen a child peel blueberries before! And if she is not picking at her food, she is shoving it in her mouth so fast and so hard and so full that she can't chew. It's gotten to the point where I cannot look at her when she eats or I get frustrated and angry with her... I've actually started buliding a little barricade out of pillows to put between her and I so I don't see what she's doing and have been leaving the monitoring to Husband.
Little has been refusing to eat more often than not lately, which is troubling, and will tell us that he doesn't like something he clearly loves to eat (like chicken).
And Oldest's genetic disorder has caused some structural issues with the way her mouth and teeth developed, so she chokes every so often. Also, she will eat until she throws up if no one is monitoring her intake. Dinner is sooo fun at my house.
Sometimes old behaviors pop back up. Recently, Little went through a period where he was waking up in the middle of the night, finding sweet things, and stashing them in his room, behind our living room TV, behind my dresser, and under the couch. One night I accidentally left a bottle of antacids out in the living room, and Husband and I woke up the next morning to find an empty bottle, and Middle smiling at us with chalky teeth. There's nothing like waking up and having to call Poison Control before your brain is fully functioning, let me tell you (don’t worry, eating too many antacids isn’t harmful and we do keep our medicine out of reach. I just had a momentary lapse in judgment... I blame the heartburn!).
But the bottom line is: We conquered some of the food issues. And that is awesome.
If you are dealing with these things, you can conquer some of the issues (food-related or otherwise)!
Because you are awesome.
They also ate everything they crossed paths with that was edible, or that they thought was edible. Like juice boxes that had fallen behind the couch and had been there for months or pieces of cereal that had been swept up along with all the dirt and debris on the floor into a pile.
They also hid food... And they hid it well. Four months after we got custody of them, their biological mom told us that she'd found their stash of Cheerios "all over the house." Middle's eyes lit up and she regaled us with a tale of "The Day She Hid the Cheerios." She and Little had been hungry but for whatever reason were not able to get food from their mom, so she got a ladder (most likely a step-stool, but she used the word ladder), climbed on top of the cabinet and had Little climb up with her. Then she crawled up on top of the refrigerator to get the Cheerios. Then, they got little Ziploc bags, filled them with Cheerios, and hid them around the house so they'd always have food.
THIS IS, OF COURSE, HEARTBREAKING. But this conversation really gave us an insight into their food issues and why they have them.
When the kids came to live with us, we noticed that they had some odd behaviors surrounding food. They were constantly
Husband and I recognized this was abnormal behavior, and guessed that it had to do with their history of neglect their terrible eating habits. We tried not to get angry with them about these food issues, but were getting frustrated with them. I can't even count the number of times we said to them, "We have food! You will never be hungry in our house! We will take care of you, we promise!"
I realized quickly we had to come up with a solution and started to work. First, I implemented a system my mom had come up with for Oldest when she was young and always in and out of the fridge (this is a great system for kids who haven't had food-related trauma, btw! I highly recommend utilizing this with kids who can handle it). I made each of them a snack basket for the fridge (the baskets were color-coded and tagged with their names). The snack baskets had mostly healthy snacks and drinks, and a couple "goody" treats tossed in as well. I told them they could eat anything in their basket at any time, and recommended that they space the snacks out throughout the day. I figured after a couple times of eating the snacks too quickly, they would naturally start spreading the snacks out with some gentle guidance.
Oh, how wrong I was.
Little refused to eat anything in his own basket and would demolish the baskets of the girls. Sometimes he would just throw their stuff out of the basket without eating any of it. Middle gorged on hers immediately after breakfast, and became distraught when she found an empty basket the rest of the day. She would demand I fill them back up, and if I refused would have a total meltdown, or would wait until I was in the bathroom and start taking food from our pantry for a refill (I figured this out when I found a bag of brown sugar shoved into her basket). So, the baskets were out (sorry, Oldest!).
My second solution turned out to be the key, and it draws on the nurturing principle paramount in therapeutic parenting. It was a very simple solution, too, and that solution was... They Ask, They receive.
So. If they asked or even demanded something from me, they got it. No matter what. No matter if we had just eaten or if we were just about to eat. No matter if they asked at midnight. None of that mattered. They asked, they received.
They didn't even have to say please and thank you (at first), something that grated my nerves, and really grated on Husband's nerves because we are in the South where everyone takes manners very seriously, apparently. But manners didn't matter anymore. They asked (without a please), they received (and I didn't expect a thank you).
If I found Little sneaking into the refrigerator or pantry for some food, I would close the fridge and ask him what he wanted. “JUICE!” he would shout. Maybe with a foot stomp for added oomph. And he'd get it. He asked (er... demanded), he received (sometimes begrudgingly... a three year old shouting, "JUICE!!!" several times a day got a little annoying).
If it was something they could not have (something they wanted but did not need), I would offer an alternative. They used to ask for soda several times a day, and we only let them have it on Fridays and special occasions. If they couldn't have soda, I would offer water or milk or another healthy alternative.
Of course, they then screamed that they hated water and sometimes they would refuse to drink it. Little and Middle both got angry at water and dumped their cups on the floor at one point.
And when the backlash happened, I would say, “Then you must not be thirsty and you must not need a drink! But if you do need a drink, I'll be glad to get you some water.”
This went on for about a month. It. Was. Exhausting. Especially because Husband was still in the army at the time. I was alone with three special needs children for twelve to sixteen hours each day and two of them were running me ragged with food and drink
And it seemed ridiculous. I felt like I was being too accommodating a lot of the time. But I wanted them to know that they didn't have to take care of themselves by scavenging food from our kitchen. I wanted them to understand that if they needed something, I would get it for them. I wanted them to feel cared for.
And, eventually, they did! They stopped yelling at me to get them their food. They learned they couldn't have soda and quit asking for it (I can't even remember the last time one of the kids asked me for soda!). They even started saying please! And thank you!!
Eventually, we got to a place where I could say, "Hang on," or, "After I finish this thing I will get that for you," and they wouldn't freak out or regress.
Presently, I can flat out say, "No, it's not time for that," and get an, "Okay, Mom!" in response!
We still have a lot of food issues (and if you've figured out how to fix these things, please comment below so I can learn from you!). Middle is constantly (and I wish I was exaggerating) shoving food underneath her gum-line, chomping down on metal utensils, and trying to break her teeth with her food. She picks at her food obsessively... I'd never seen a child peel blueberries before! And if she is not picking at her food, she is shoving it in her mouth so fast and so hard and so full that she can't chew. It's gotten to the point where I cannot look at her when she eats or I get frustrated and angry with her... I've actually started buliding a little barricade out of pillows to put between her and I so I don't see what she's doing and have been leaving the monitoring to Husband.
Little has been refusing to eat more often than not lately, which is troubling, and will tell us that he doesn't like something he clearly loves to eat (like chicken).
And Oldest's genetic disorder has caused some structural issues with the way her mouth and teeth developed, so she chokes every so often. Also, she will eat until she throws up if no one is monitoring her intake. Dinner is sooo fun at my house.
Sometimes old behaviors pop back up. Recently, Little went through a period where he was waking up in the middle of the night, finding sweet things, and stashing them in his room, behind our living room TV, behind my dresser, and under the couch. One night I accidentally left a bottle of antacids out in the living room, and Husband and I woke up the next morning to find an empty bottle, and Middle smiling at us with chalky teeth. There's nothing like waking up and having to call Poison Control before your brain is fully functioning, let me tell you (don’t worry, eating too many antacids isn’t harmful and we do keep our medicine out of reach. I just had a momentary lapse in judgment... I blame the heartburn!).
But the bottom line is: We conquered some of the food issues. And that is awesome.
If you are dealing with these things, you can conquer some of the issues (food-related or otherwise)!
Because you are awesome.
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