What we have here is a difference in worldview...

This post is also available at my new website Trauma Mama Drama.  If you enjoy reading my blog, remember to update your feeds, emails and bookmarks with the new link, because eventually I will only post updates on the new site's blog.

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What do you see when you think of steps?  If you are like me, you imagine something like this:

But, if you are like my kids, one diagnosed with an unspecified genetic disorder that causes developmental and processing delays and two with Reactive Attachment Disorder that causes problems with cause-and-effect relationships, you imagine this:

The kids can't seem to wrap their heads around the concept of completing steps to achieve a goal.  The kids can't seem to wrap their heads around MOST things that involve a process... Like, "If you do good things, good things will happen." Or, "If you step on the cat, he will scratch you and you will be banned from touching the cat for quite some time."  Or, "If you don't ask to borrow your sister's special crayons she will get angry when she walks in and sees that you have broken them."

99% of the time they can't even follow a VERY simple three-step process when emotions start to rumble.  Fellow "Trauma Mom" Christine Moers and counselor Billy Kaplan go over these steps in greater detail in their amazing video Chaos to Healing (HIGHLY recommended... I actually bought two hard copies that I've given to family members after renting the digital copy).  Christine also goes over these steps in this blog post. Basically the kids have the responsibility of asking the offending child to change their behavior and only after that fails are they supposed to come to an adult for help.  Simple, right?!

Wrong.

I remind them every time they go to play with each other what the steps are.  And again when they try to get help without following the steps.  And again.  And again.  And again.  In fact, as I'm writing this, Little just ran up to me hollering that Oldest's brain said that she hated Middle.  Not entirely sure what that means, but I can't find out until the steps are followed as no one is screaming or hitting or destroying anything (incidents in which we bypass the steps).

It's all so frustrating and exhausting and redundant.

I try to remind myself that ALL kids struggle with following steps.  ALL kids struggle controlling their emotions when another child is being rude, or mean, or just not playing with them the way they want.  Brothers and sisters fight, that's what they do, it's totally normal (I tend to forget this because I was an only child, and my biological daughter was an only child until Middle and Little joined us). That not every incident is going to escalate to terrible just because that's what happened last time.

But it can be hard.  And I am hopeful.

My only advice, if you, too, are struggling with kids following steps whether that be house-hold-harmony related or just basic things (like underwear goes on BEFORE pants, or you have to poop BEFORE your tummy will feel better), is to make sure the steps you are laying out for them to walk on are sturdy and clearly marked, and that what waits for them on the plateau is worth the climb.